My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
