I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
