I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You pole danced in your parka.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
