Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
