He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Randomize
