I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
