I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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