My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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