Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
