help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
