I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
