capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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