I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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