Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
