At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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