Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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