What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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