Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize