remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
