Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
