Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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