Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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