I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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