I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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