Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
