I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
