there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
ok first of all what the fuck
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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