the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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