i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
