Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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