No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize