Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
