She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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