Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
