Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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