I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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