In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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