I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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