your thong is hanging out like whoa
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
love makes seman taste better
the day after is always just damage control
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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