So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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