Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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