The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
