i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
