i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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