You made me cry and you don't even care
I met the friendliest cop last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
