dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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