The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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