hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
