dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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