my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
