So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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