I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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