I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
