the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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