She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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