we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
this beer tastes like vomit already
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Randomize
