I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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